Morning Routine

Each day begins the same. After the welcome relief of sleep, I open my eyes. And immediately the realization that you are gone forever backhands me across the face. Again the sting. Again the pain in my chest.
And I am there again. Starting the story of your life over in my mind.
I am sitting  on the front stoop of our apartment building with you in my lap...fitting perfectly in the crease of my long thin legs; your tiny head on my knees...your tiny feet on my soft, newly deflated belly.
You are wearing your little blue and white striped seersucker onsie with the sailboat on it. The sun turns your dark brown eyes a deep olive green. You are all mine. Someone to love....and to love me back.
I turn my head for a moment and squint toward the summer sun. I feel the warmth on my eyelids. Your tiny fingers are wrapped around my long smooth fingers.
I softly sing to you.
I tell you about all of the things we will do.
In that moment, the whole world fell away and it was just you and I.

Each day begins with that. My beautiful, beautiful Jonathan.